HA HA HA!

That's my little boo boo! Bernie....Bernie Bunda...a true lady killer. When he's not getting mistaken for being a girl. I like him when he's got longer hair like in the title. But since it's summer...and he's an active little snot...I shaved him way down so he could be more comfortable. This is what he looks like now.

How the hell are all the ugly chicks hitched up?

Ok so admittedly, the title is mean. Every day I get on facebook, there's somebody else from college or high school that's getting married. And I know I've told a lot of people I don't want to get married...and that's still mostly true. I am not anti-marriage...I am anti-the-necessity-of-marriage. It's kind of like the ultimate form of romanticism I suppose. Two people in love enough that they don't need marriage. Yeah yeah...I know....very rosy. Anyway...back to the random ass topic at hand.

I am not anti-marriage. There were girls...and we all know atleast 5....that you could just tell...ALL they wanted in life was to be married and procreate. If they had to get a job to support that habit then so be it....but careers are not the main priority. Marriage and thusly children are the order of the day. THOSE women, you expect to get married. You see their Facebook status and you're not surprised.

But it's the ones that you saw in school that you thought, "Hmmmm...she's one of the ones with a 'great personality' types". I don't want to sound like I'm hating on the less than aesthetically fortunate. Everyone has a right to be happy (or sexlessly bored, depending on who you talk to), and if marriage fulfills a longing instilled from infancy then kudos. I just want to know HOW they do it.

How do they get a man to propose to them? Are they using sexual tricks from some book I have yet to read? (If so, Stef please use your discount to procure said manuscript...jk mom...sorta) Are they beguiling in the beginning and then demanding and the men are too weak to say no? Or, dare I say it, are they just truly happy in love? The Disney princess in me wants to say yes. The jaded shrew in me wants to say "they took a look around and this is the best they can hope to do".

I just don't get it. I'm funny (or at least my mom thinks so!). I'm smart (book smart....I've been perpetually reminded of my lack of common sense). I'm independent, so no gold-digging here. I'm somewhat relatively attractive. My ego doesn't want to admit that there may be something wrong with me....so WHY HASN'T ANYONE PROPOSED TO ME?

This isn't even a discussion on the men...I know I'm attracted to men who can be as commitment-phobic and change friendly as I am. This is about HOW the women do it. I'd at least like to have the opportunity to formulate an awkward no.

I think we all need to re-evaluate our problems....

Times are tough. Money is tight. And people consider themselves lucky to just have a steady full-time job with benefits. With this in mind...it never ceases to amaze me how screwed up people's priorities and sense of problems can be. It's kind of like how 5 years ago those rap songs came out about "having huge rims on your car that's a piece of s*** and still living at home with yo mama".

I suppose it boils down to everybody's unending desire to out-"own" their neighbors. We all want faster, sexier, sleeker, more, better. But WE CAN'T AFFORD IT! Let's all take a step back and think about what's really important. If you got jacked up teeth, roots showing from the dye-job you had 4 months ago, hole-y underwear (guilty!), or children who rely on you for sustenance, then please get yo s***in LINE! If you have to stop and think "Hmmmmm, if I buy this thing I don't need....are they gonna shut my electricity off?" Walk away!

I don't understand these people I see with big ass gold chains, or expensive (if they're real) handbags, or nice cars, and then their clothes are stained, they've got no underwear on and you know it because you can see the cellulite on their butt, their mouths are in serious need of several thousand dollars worth of orthodontic work, and they smell like old cheese. I guess that kinda relates back to the idea of the magic mirror....they think if they have 1 really nice thing that it elevates everything else by association.

I'm guilty of coveting nice stuff. I feel like I deserve it. I can't afford it, and I'm not really into the whole sugar-daddy thing (probably because I haven't found one), so it's a source of frustration for me too. I keep telling myself that one day I'll be able buy them guilt-free....but until that day...I'll just drool from afar.

My biggest vice in this department is definitely designer panties. Ick. I just typed the word "panties" AAAAWWWWKKKKWWWAAAARRRDDD! Anyway, I have a serious thing for VS underwear. I don't know why. I'm not going to try to explain it. It's very difficult for me to let go of these. I've spent hundreds of dollars over the years for UNDERWEAR. Things you wear UNDER your clothes. Since I've been living on my own, I've had to forego the fancy panties. I thought I was going to impress myself and go frugal one day. I was in Wal-Mart, and I passed through the underwear section, and I thought "I need some new undies". So I looked on the racks and I can't believe how cheap the panties are! You can get 6 pairs for like $5! I couldn't find any that I liked. They were all really bright or had ice cream and teddy bears on them, and I'm too sophisticated for that :). I finally found some....simple.....pastel....perfect. I get them home thinking how proud I was that I crossed into "generic" panty-land and I realize the DAMN THINGS ARE A SIZE 2X!!! HA!! I take this as a sign and decide I shall return to buying my VS panties.

Things I don't understand and therefore dislike about the world today

Since I'm popping my blogger cherry....I feel I should warn those reading this (which will probably only be my mother) that I am generally not a hateful person. GENERALLY..... I am, unfortunately, not always clever either, but I think I have a pretty good eye for stuff that doesn't quite jive. I think I get that from my mom....thanks mom....no ignorance is bliss here.

I have noticed lately that a lot of people out there seem to go around not caring how they look. I get that teenagers have more important things to worry about (like pimple cream and who they will swap spit with). But I just can't wrap my head around what motivates people to go around looking like utter crap. I have a theory that someone is selling mirrors...magic mirrors....when you look into them, you automatically think "Man, I look HOT!" no matter what you're wearing. The people who go around with that "I-don't-give-a-s***-and-that-makes-me-cool" look must have invested in such mirrors. You know you have seen people that own these mirrors. If you have not, then people think you own one.

I saw two girls today who had dyed bright purple chunks in their hair. Why? Because they like purple. And they have those magic mirrors. I can just see them standing in front of the mirror, "Yeah....yeah...that's great...that's hot...I'm so glad I thought to put this random geometric chunk of Barney jizz in my hair...it makes me so different and expressive".

If you wear white....please invest in some flesh colored underwear. Please. Sometimes I wonder if the women I see wearing a bright pink lacy thong are advertising or just blind. I will give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are advertising. If you don't want people to judge you, don't give them the opportunity. Who knows? Maybe her panty peek got her a discount.....on flesh-colored panties.

I think I've menstrually ranted enough for one entry.